Staring down the unknown...
Today was a little stressful for me. Yesterday bordered between no big deal and oh my goodness and was just kind of an it was what it is day. But today it hit a little harder. I'm sure this emotional roller coaster is just getting started as well. I'm trying to inform myself as much as possible on this whatever it is - some call it Ovarian Borderline Cancer and others call it an LMP tumor - so I can get the most out of our upcoming oncologist appointment. It seems that there isn't a whole lot known about the condition. Or maybe just not a lot of consistency. The journal articles that I have read all seem to have different views. And it seems to be a tricky one at that. Regardless, the overall view is that the prognosis with these are good. 90% five year survival rate for what my doctor said that it was be staged as - she also said this is just about the five year survival rate of anyone walking down the street. I'm not so much scared about the tumor that was removed as much as the possibility of recurrence. My mind is going crazy with thoughts on what my best move would be. Do we play the wait and see game with it or do we go ahead and remove that ovary to hopefully try to lessen the chances of recurrence? My fear today is that if we play the wait and see game that everything will be going great, we'll have children, and then 10 years later or so I will have recurrence but it will be invasive ovarian cancer. The prognosis for that isn't as pretty but I am trying to avoid those statistics.
I thought of a song today that I told Alison about months ago and this one verse keeps playing over and over in my mind...
My pride is left for dead,
as my world gets shaken.
The thoughts inside my head
are so hard to control.
I am staring down the unknown,
but one thing is certain.
You could break my body,
but you will never break my soul.
I feel like this is a HUGE path of unknown. What is the next move? What is the right move? I'm sure everything will be figured out in time and I will be fine but I will always have these thoughts in the back of my head now - just waiting.
Thinking of Alison also makes me feel a bit silly with all of my thinking. Hers is not a possible, is it or isn't it, it seems benign but can metastasize cancer. It's the real deal and she has faced it with such incredible strength.
3 comments:
Chantelle, you can't minimize your fears because you think Alison has more reason to fear. Your fears are as justified. The unknown is a huge fear, but what we can learn from Alison is to live life like each day is your last no matter if you are healthy as can be or not, none of us ever know when each breath might be our last. Stay strong girl!
One thing I've learned is that everyone has challenges. Good and bad. I know you'll realize the right thing to do. If you choose to 'wait and see', please see often enough to be safe.
-Sending prayers back your way.
If you ever need to vent/talk...I'm here to listen. Your fears are justified. There's no question, it's a scary thing. I'm here for ya girl. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong. :)
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